[Originally published for LatinTRENDS magazine December 2011 Issue #84]
Wanna know something about my sex life with mi hombre that no one else knows? (I debated even asking you, but that’s the beauty of anonymity.) He rarely initiates sex. Don’t get me wrong: he enjoys it. He doesn’t have complaints. He never turns me down. He gets really, really into it. And he’s very sexually flirtatious with me. But he just doesn’t initiate the hook up that often.
For the past month or so, I haven’t really had to think about this because, well, we were having sex almost everyday. But lately, our sex life has been slowing down, and therefore, this concern is popping up in my mind more frequently.
So…I guess my question to you is, what’s wrong here? Shouldn’t un hombre be the initiator? And if he isn’t, does that mean he has someone on the side? Do you think he’s cheating?
This whole situation doesn’t seem “normal,” if you know what I mean. What do you think?
Confused in Centereach
Dear Confused in Centereach,
Ah! For the first time, I am presented with a question about the roles men and women play in the bedroom.
First, let me say that I wish you gave me more information. How long have you both been together? Are you married? Living together? Children? I ask these questions because sometimes they can add insight to the situation. For example, if you’re married to one another for a few years, I could guess that perhaps things have become too uncomfortable, and you may have to spice things up.
Another example: if you’ve been together for five years, and you were always the one initiating sex, then I could tell you that you’ve “taught” him how to respond – you are in charge.
Let’s talk about “normal” for one second. To me, what is normal to one couple may not be normal for another. In our society, it is expected that the man is in charge. Therefore, he should be the aggressor, right? But if you’ve always initiated, and he never has and you never asked him in the past to initiate, then why would you expect him to be different now?
What does concern me, however, is that it’s been more than a month that you’ve not been intimate with one another, especially if you say he enjoys it, and gets really “into it.”
How much do you know about his past sexual history and experiences? Sometimes if a man is resistant to initiate he is afraid of rejection. Sometimes, if there’s some sort of trauma that is attached to his past, he may be afraid of being too aggressive. I think the best thing to do here is to COMMUNICATE with him. But there are four words that you should never tell a man: “We have to talk!” As soon as you say that to him, he will immediately think, ‘okay, what did I do now?’ and he will quickly become defensive.
Wait until you and he are having “a moment,” when things feel cozy, and just say straight out that you miss him sexually. Let him know that you’ve been thinking about your sex life and would like to spice things up. Tell him you have a secret fantasy of HIM initiating sex and “taking over” – let him know that it would really turn you on. Then see how he responds.
In regards to your suspicion of him cheating on you, I cannot say that just because he’s not been interested means he’s cheating. However, if this is the first time your intimacy’s hit a stop sign, then you should just ask him straight out. I believe strongly in women’s intuition. Deep down in your heart, you will know. Who knows, maybe he is waiting for you to ask…so just ask him and be honest about your concerns. If he loves you, he will respond in love and work it out. Good luck with your hombre!