Love Advice: Sex & Marriage

Shelley Mendoza

May 7, 2014

[Originally published for DTM magazine October 2009 Issue #62]
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Ask Judy

Dear Judy,

Before our daughter was born, my husband and I used to have sex all the time. It was spontaneous, crazy and just plain hot. When our daughter was born, I started to go to sleep really early because she would wake me up everyday at 5 a.m. She is now almost 2 years old, but our sex life is still non-existent.

Most times, I just feel too exhausted, with no time for sex. What can I do to keep my marriage and my sex life hot?

Dear Friend,

I’m going to say something a little controversial, but just brace yourself and give it a moment to sink in: your husband — not your children — comes first. I know you all hate me right now, but the truth is that you married your husband. You chose this man to be your partner for life. You raise your children to let them go, and what is left behind? You and your husband. Your daughter is very young right now. One day your daughter will leave the nest, and you and your husband will stare at each other like strangers.

In addition, having children brings a whole new experience of fun, but we don’t anticipate the amount of time it takes to raise them. Women, especially find themselves doing everything.

Where and when in the world is there time for sex? The truth is, when something is very important to you, you make the time.

Before you got married, you dated, correct? So, you and your husband need a good old-fashioned date night! This date night should happen once a week, no matter what! You should sit your husband down and tell him you love him and that you miss the sexiness between the two of you. Talk to a relative or friend to babysit your daughter. You must have personal and private time for just the two of you. It doesn’t have to be expensive – just some one-on-one time where you never discuss bills, children or work.

As far as exhaustion, you also need “alone time.” When your daughter is napping, try meditating, working out, or taking a bubble bath. Do something that makes you feel good. You can’t give your husband and your daughter good attention if you’re not happy. You know what they say: “Happy wife – happy life!”

As far as your sex life being sexy, I don’t think you’ve forgotten a thing. Sometimes the “quickies” can be pretty exciting. Before he goes to work, put a couple of Post-it® Notes with sexy messages all over the house and wear clothes that make you feel sexy. I know you’ll both be very happy. Good luck!

Love,
Judy