[Originally published for DTM magazine July/August 2009 Issue #60]
Victoria and I have lived together for almost 2 years and have been friends for almost 10 years. She’s beautiful, has the perfect body and is often the center of attention. I always felt jealous, which is why I started to flirt with her boyfriend. I never thought I had a chance, but now he comes over when she’s not home. Last week, we slept together. I feel horrible about this, but at the same time very satisfied: like I won a game. But now that I slept with him, I don’t want to see him anymore, and I also don’t want her to find out. Everything is so complicated because we live together and she is my best friend.
I have three words for you–Integrity, Character and Self-Esteem! Integrity: the ability to follow your own morals and ethical principles. What are your morals? I’m sure that sleeping with your best friend’s boyfriend doesn’t apply here. Character refers to qualities of honesty, courage and good repute. There’s nothing honest about what you’ve done. It may have taken courage to do this, but now you’re left with fear: fear she’ll find out and you’ll never be friends again, fear he’ll tell on you, and fear your good name will be tarnished. Self-esteem is a realistic respect for oneself, and here is where your problem lies: Where is your self-esteem? I believe the reason you even did this was because you needed to feel wanted, desired, special – YOU needed to feel like the center of attention. Well, you are now! But not in a good way.
I know how you feel: I have a friend who is GORGEOUS – and she knows it. I’ve had my moments where I secretly wished she’d lose her hair or gain 100 pounds. But she’s my friend. I knew, deep down, that I just didn’t feel good about myself. So I took the things I admired about her and applied them to myself. For example, she always took good care of her hair and nails. So I spoke with her and now get my hair done with her…LOL. God has a sense of humor: He made us all different. Some are gorgeous, some fat, some thin, some tall, some short. But God also has put something good in each of us, and you just have to find out what those good qualities are. It’s those good qualities that make you beautiful. We often make the mistake of comparing ourselves to others, but we can’t do that. When the day is over, no matter how bad we wished we looked like someone else, we look in the mirror and there we still are.
So you weren’t feeling desired or beautiful, and your beautiful friend’s boyfriend paid good attention. You got what you wanted and said that at the time you “won the game.” What game? Are you secretly angry about her about something and got even?
Stop sleeping with her boyfriend. Decide whether or not to tell her about what happened. You may lose her friendship, but you will regain your integrity. Move out and create some space so you can think about everything, and your character will re-emerge. Look in the mirror and do some reflecting: find out what you’re missing that you don’t think YOU are beautiful. Work on being a good person, don’t play the “game,” and you will have your self-esteem back. If you do tell her, I hope she forgives you…but if not, consider this an expensive, but necessary, lesson you had to learn in life. All my best to you!