I’ve been dating a 29 year old guy named Jack for just over a year and a half….we have a very strong, loving, honest relationship….we have tons in common, still talk on the phone for four hours at a time, are open and honest with each other, very affectionate and loving with words and deeds, the sex is great….we are best friends and soulmates…we will finally be moving in together in January….we just bought a new vacuum cleaner and a set of dishes, in fact….we also have talked about plans to get engaged within a year …we have talked about wanting kids together eventually when we are married and both ready.
It all seems perfect right? Maybe it is and I am just paranoid, but I am just so afraid anyway.
On the down side for him is his past. In his youth, he was always a huge playboy; he was all about the sex and the fun. When his friends find out how serious we are, they always laugh and say ‘Wow,’ and I don’t know what to think. Is it normal to think this way about past loves? Do I have anything to be worried about? Was he just being a dumb male and confessing a bit too much of his private thoughts?
Please help. I have been badly betrayed by men in the past. I’m not sure if I am just being paranoid over nothing, or trying not to be paranoid over something I should be afraid of.
Terrified in Tarrytown
I certainly can understand your concerns and you are wise to question this. While I have no doubt your boyfriend really cares about you, it seems that as he gets closer to making a real commitment (getting engaged, moving in, etc.), he is very frightened and that may be one of the reasons his mind is straying to past relationships and other women.
On the other hand, if he has unresolved feelings for these woman, when things get rough between the two of you, he may turn to the fantasy of what that might have been like, and believe me, it is impossible to compete with a ghost.
Secondly, I would question his concerns about commitment in general. What kind of family does he come from? Does he have a good relationship with his mother? Are his parents still together? Is he stable emotionally? Is there any history of depression or anxiety in his family?
There is nothing wrong with playing the field before making a commitment, but as the two of you get closer, he seems to be questioning “the one who got away.”
On the plus side, you two seem to be very good friends. You say you talk on a very deep level. If this is true, you absolutely need to voice your concerns. Believe me, they are valid ones.
Ask him how serious he is about his feelings about his past and if he is really ready to make the kind of commitment you both are. I can tell from your letter that you are an intelligent and thoughtful young woman. You deserve to put
these issues to rest. Otherwise, they will haunt you and destroy what actually seems to be a very lovely relationship.
Good luck in this matter, and please, keep me posted!